i'm not there.

It sure has been a while. I have been trying to deal -- not well I don't think. I kind of went into hiding for a while, still kinda am in hiding. I don't like to see people much. Feel like they are always judging or feeling bad for me. I don't like making people feel awkward. & I know people feel awkward around me -- or if I say anything about the tragedies that are my life.

Also, lost another friend. Angelo. He hung himself. He was like a brother to me for a while. He was good friends with Tony and then became good friends with the whole family. My mom even thought of him as another son. This meant I had to go to ANOTHER funeral. I just can't take these funerals. I always flashback to Tony. & to make matters worse, Angelo's Grandma said that no he was in heaven with his two best friends Tony & Eddy. (Jack Edwards -- Eddy -- died a couple years back -- also a good friend of mine.) Just hearing her say that kinda reaffirms that Tony is gone, and I still don't really believe he is. I just hope and pray I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point.

My mother is now in jail. She got sentenced to 60 days for assault & battery from the night of the bar fight where Jeff lost his life. She will get out the day before Thanksgiving & let me tell you, I can't wait to see her. I have always been close to my mom, and to not get to talk to her everyday and hug her, just kills me. I want to cry every time I talk to/see her. I just feel so bad for her. (Plus the girls in the jail where she is are torturing her.) With my mom being away my life has been turned upside down again. I have so many more responsibilities. It is wayy more work to keep up a house and pay bills and live on your own, basically, then I would have imagined. Plus, this is adding more stress to Karly's & my relationship. I just feel like I want to keep the house how my mom would have it -- clean as a pin -- but I live with a sister who can't even pick up her clothes in the bathroom or put her dishes in the dish washer. It just stresses me out, because more than anything I want to clean it up,but my counselor said it isn't good for me to do that, because I am just disabling her from living on her own in the future. It makes sense, and I haven't been cleaning up after her, but the messes drive me bonkers.

My mother has opened her eyes through this experience though, and that, makes it somewhat worth it. She has realized she has made mistakes, especially when it comes to our relationship. She may not love my little sister more, but she has acted like it. She has never told me she was proud of me, yet uses me as bragging rights to her friends about how smart & talented I am, and what my future plans are. I told her this was how I felt numerous times, and now she gets it. She has sent letters of apology, and she doesn't need to apologize. What is done, is done. It is in the past. She just has to look to the future and try to change how she acts and communicates. & she is opening her eyes to this. Which is all I could ask for.

She also go arrested in Michigan by the KIND team (drug team.) For selling marijuana. We aren't sure what she will end up getting sentenced to for this, but we are trying to be hopeful. If she goes to prison, I am not sure what I will do. She asked me to postpone moving away for school (since I will have my associates degree after this semester) in order to take care of the house and the dogs. Of course I will, I am just not thrilled about it. I am ready to continue my schooling, to move away, to have new experiences & start my life. My life has already been put on hold because of everything else. Now, I am taking my medication regularly, and I feel much better. I actually FEEL things again. I'm no longer numb. I like it.

I guess while we are on the subject of getting arrested I might as well tell you I got arrested as well. June 28th I believe.. for retail fraud (aka stealing.) Very stupid, I know. I just got sentenced last week. Had to pay $795 for fines/fees. Which I did. I also got sentenced to 12 days on the work van & 6 months of probation (which will only be three if I get on completing work van.) I have already done a day, and it wasn't too bad. Had to rake for like 5 hours, but I'm okay with that. I just want to get it done before it snows, because I do not do well in the cold. & shoveling isn't my 'cup-of-tea' so to speak. I am just thankful this is over, and I really learned my lesson. The best part of this, was representing myself. Judge Ninomya said I was well on my way to being a good lawyer. That felt good.

Well, this was jumbled, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on and I figured I'd start here, laying it all out, and elaborate later.

the united states of leland.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad ........ The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place ....... Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."

I just watched The United States of Leland for the second time (the first time since Tony died.) This is a movie about a kid who kills a mentally challenged individual, and doesn't really know why. A lot of the quotes I put really hit home. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I suppose I have known this all along, it just doesn't mean that I necessarily want to believe what is "true" or "realistic" anymore.

I just can't get Tony out of my head... ever. It is just getting worse. I believe I am getting closer to the depression stage of grief. I mean, I have denied and tried to pretend this didn't happen for so long. Yeah, I have days that are up and down, but there is never a day that I don't think about Tony, that I don't feel it. I was so sad before, and I didn't think it could get worse. Other things have happened, which have been extremely devastating, but none of them have compared to the loss of Tony, my best friend.

My nightmares have been getting worse lately. I had a dream that I went back in time last night, to the day of his death.

At the start of the dream, some woman gave me a doll that said it would change my life. I went to bed, and woke up in a cabin with Sully, Tiff, Karly and my mother. Other things were different, as well. Sully's name was Sam, for example. Then, I got a phone call from my Auntie Terri, people were then looking for Tony, and he called me. He told me that he was at some one's house, and was going to go swimming. I asked him what day it was and he told me, "Katie, are you kidding? It's July 31, the day after your birthday." I then felt like I had known that and he told me he loved me and I told him the same, and we got off the phone. I then realized what the day was, and frantically was trying to call him back, but it was too late. It was too late for me to save him, for me to do anything.

I then was woken up by Sully. He said I had been talking in my sleep, and he could tell I was having a nightmare. I realized I had tears in my eyes. It seemed like even though things changed in my dreams, I still couldn't save him. I still could not do anything about it, and I felt helpless.. hopeless, even. I just do not even know how to handle this most of the time. I just need someone. I need something to help me. Someone to hold me, and tell me that "everything is going to be o.k." ... Most of the time.. I just don't know how things are supposed to be okay. It is just so hard to cope with. How to you cope with such a violent, unjustified loss in my life. I just.... I just don't know.

I feel so lost and incomplete.

Grateful #11:
I would just like to say that I am grateful for Chris, "Sully," my boyfriend. That may sound "cheesy" or clique, but he really has helped a lot. Also, in the movie, Leland says there are two ways you can see life: "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." I usually see the sadness, and have my whole life (while still being happy.) Now, on the other hand, he really helps for me to "keep it out" in a sense. Most of the time when I am with him, although I don't "forget" about Tony, or my sadness, I can think about other things, I can look forward, look forward to the good that will eventually come. I can be genuinely happy, genuinely smile. He just lifts the dark clouds from my life, and shows me that there is hope... that there are things to look forward to... that it will get better.

Here We Go Again.

Sorry about the lack of writing lately. I have just been hit with more sadness again.

The holidays were terrible without Tony. On Christmas Eve at my grandma's house it is always the same -- gift opening from youngest to oldest. This means Tony is always right before me. This year it went from Ashley to me... no one even paused to give him some sort of recognition. I mean, I know everyone had him on their minds, you could see it on their faces, but ... I want him there more than just in my mind. His is in my heart, soul and spirit. I feel as if I live with Tony at all times. I just would have liked to have made him a bigger part of the night, even if it made us sad.. It's better than sweeping it under the rug.

I also lost another friend on December 27. My friend from Milwaukee, Patrick Alberts. He was 20. He died of an epileptic seizure in his sleep. His funeral was on January 2nd, & I went to Milwaukee with Danica for that. It was heartbreaking. It just seems like this never ends.. but I am hoping that nothing else bad can happen.. I mean, the tragedies have gotten less intense, but it still hurts.. A LOT! It just brings back all these emotions and all I could see in his casket was Tony.. and I hated that. That picture of him like that is imprinted in my head forever. I mean, I remember the goood times so much more, but at a funeral, it's just Tony, Tony, Tony, which also makes me feel guilty for Pat and his family, because I know how they feel and it is terrible. And I sucks to only have seen the for the first time in forever under these circumstances, like his brother, Jeff. I just wanted to hold him and cry for days.

I also broke my foot 2 weeks ago, tripping over my super nintendo. Wearing that stupid boot in a pain, but at least it's a funny story.

The new semester just started 3 weeks ago. I am super stressed, and am still waiting for my $3,000 loan to go through. I need money! I need a laptop! I am taking all online classes this semester, because I could not miss all the class time for Scott Johnson's trail (which I wouldn't miss for the world.) Our home computer is a s-l-o-w pile of junk, and I need something effiecent to be able to do my schoolwork on.

Ugghhh am I stressed!

Grateful #10:

I am grateful for a new year. New year comes new hope and optimism. I just pray it lasts.

Trial News Article

A Marinette County judge denied two defense motions for accused killer Scott J. Johnson Tuesday.
Johnson, 38, of Kingsford, is charged with three first degree intentional homicides in a July 31 shooting rampage that killed three Michigan teens at the East Kingsford train bridge that spans the Menominee River.
Following three hours of testimony from law enforcement officials, Marinette County Circuit Court Judge Tim Duket ruled Johnson's two statements made to the police without an attorney present will be allowed as evidence. Duket also denied a change of venue request.
Public defenders Shannon Viel and Carrie Laplant of Green Bay, Wis., are representing Johnson. The attorneys did not have any predictions going into the motion hearing Tuesday. They said they just wanted to present the issues.
"Decisions are what they are. We'll go from here," Viel said afterwards. "We're just going to move forward. We didn't bank on it."
Viel said opting for a change of venue was the first and foremost issue to settle, along with making sure every option was fully explored.
Marinette County District Attorney Brent DeBord, who was defeated by his assistant Allen Brey in the November election, asked the Attorney General's Office in Madison, Wis., to take over the case. Roy Korty, assistant attorney general, said the office is glad to assist in these kinds of cases. Assistant Attorney General Gary Freyberg said Johnson's statements are important in this case. He said he was not surprised at the judge's ruling.
Johnson was interviewed by police twice on the morning of Aug. 1 after being apprehended in a wooded area near Bennett Road and County N in the town of Niagara. He was interviewed at a Command Center for about 30 minutes and then again at the Marinette County Jail for about two hours.
Both these interviews were without an attorney present and after the defendant was read his Miranda rights.
The defense said law enforcement chose to interview Johnson immediately after being arrested with a dozen officers around with guns drawn. They argued that he was at his weakest point at that time. Johnson's attorneys also argued the length of the questioning should be considered and weighed against the emotional aspect of the defendant.
Freyberg said Johnson was moved and provided with water. He also said officers were asked to move away from the Command Center's trailer, and some did.
"He was able to read and write, and there was no indication he didn't understand his rights," Freyberg said. "He appeared not upset, normal, no evidence of intoxicants. Yes, he was out all night. There was no evidence he was sleepless. He planned to do this."
Freyberg said there was minimal amount of force used at Johnson's arrest. And he was not made any threats, promises or inducements. He was informed of counsel twice.
Duket said what strikes him when he listens to the tapes is that Johnson is talkative and seems to want to talk about what happened.
"I found it striking how conversational he was - like he was at a coffee shop having coffee. It was really striking. It was conversational," Duket said. "He chose to talk. He was aware. He waived his right to silence and to have an attorney," Judge Duket said.
Defense attorneys continued to argue that articles in The Daily News and online blogs do not help their case.
"They are still readily available to any potential juror who wants to find information," Laplant said of the on-line information.
She added the blogs went into inflammatory detail, and that a particular article in The Daily News interviewed the defendant's mother. Laplant said a quote in that article appears to presume guilt. She said the public's access to this information affects Johnson's ability to have a fair trial. Laplant also said a letter Michigan U.S. Bart Stupak wrote in October indicates Johnson deserves federal charges. She said that is an example of the general feeling of the Wisconsin Justice System. "That feeling that has been put out there violates our client's rights," she said.
The defense said these reasons alone require a change of venue.
"Certainly this case has generated publicity. The defense gave 12 examples," Freyberg said. "At most, we have a quote from the defendant's mother and the second is no more than the DA disclosing the information of the criminal complaints." Freyberg said it is dangerous to go too far with the defense argument. "These are not published by newspaper editors. They are comments only online," he said, adding that the media reports were factual, objective reporting. "I understand the state's relatively small county, and the level of publicity increases the chances of any potential juror who will have read the case; therefore the state is not opposed to selecting a jury from another county," he said.
Judge Duket said the newspaper articles and online blogs are not rebel rousing or inflammatory. He added the TV, radio and newspaper reports are pretty straight-forward reporting. "It doesn't mean he can't get a fair trial in Marinette County. We can deal with the problem that may have been corrupted by blogs and a congressman," Duket said. Duket said the fact that the trial is not scheduled until March, more than seven months after the shooting, is a benefit for a jury from Marinette County. "I am confident we can draw a jury. As far as those blogs, prejudicial blogging is limited to Upper Michigan. It's been my rough knowledge that two-thirds of the county live in one-third of the county," he said.
Freyberg said court cases are obviously something that is extremely difficult for family members and to them it is like re-living the crime.
"They are strong people and are doing as well as expected," Korty said.
Johnson has pleaded insanity to the 10 felonies, which also includes six counts of attempted first-degree intentional homicide by use of a dangerous weapon and one count of second degree sexual assault.
A pre-trial conference will be held March 9. The trial, which is expected to last three weeks, is set to start March 16 in Marinette County Circuit Court.
Attorneys on each side are to come up with a list of questions for the potential jurors. The jury will be sequestered.

We're At The Top Of The World.

Scott Johnson was in court today. The defense attorneys for Scott J. Johnson were not granted what they requested during a motion hearing in Marinette County Circuit Court Tuesday.

Johnson, 38, of Kingsford, is charged with three first degree intentional homicides in a July 31st shooting rampage that killed three Michigan teens.

Following three hours of the state of Wisconsin calling law enforcement to the witness stand for questioning, Judge Tim Duket decided Johnson's two statements made to the police without an attorney present will not be suppressed.

In addition a change of venue was not granted.

I am really happy about this. Johnson better not get off easy in any way, shape or form. The fact that he is even trying to get insanity boils my blood. Although, if he did get it, he would eventually be able to discharged from the mental hospital.... then revenge would be ours. That spineless, cold-blooded killer. I loath him.

Grateful #9:

I am grateful that it is finals week this week. I worked as hard as I could this semester, and really liked all of my classes. I just am looking forward to being able to relax and cope some more, without all the other pressures of life.

When You Get Knocked Down, You Gotta Get Back Up

I live life with a lot of confusion and anger lately. I must say, the Lexapro does help with my everyday, little annoyances and anger. It does not help or change my anger for Scott Johnson or Ian Spencer at this point.

Scott Johnson is the most despicable man I have ever known. He absolutely disgusts me down to my very core. He took away the closest & most special person to me, my cousin Tony, as well as two other lives. He has ruined a countless number of lives through his actions. He is heartless and did not have any remorse for what he did that day. He fucking planned it for 5 years! He is a sick, sick, sick human being, who needs to be punished to the full extent of the law & then worse. When he gets sent to prison, I hope the prisoners let him know what they think of a child killer, and make him pay for what he did. Tony, you will always be my everything. I love & miss you more than I could ever describe.

Ian was my stepfather. I thought he was an amazing person, and I do still love him in a way. Unfortunately, he did kill Jeff, my mother's boyfriend, through a senseless act of violence. He also punched my mother so hard, he broke her nose, & gave her a concussion. I have noticed after all of this, that Ian really is a liar, and not quite the person I always had thought he was. It still really bothers me that he gets treated so much worse that Scott Johnson, who is obviously a cold blooded killer. I know Ian will get punished more harshly for this than a white man in this area would, but I really hope that he knows how much he hurt my mother, my sister and me. He took away the only person that made us feel any sort of safety and security after Tony died. Jeff loved us, treated Karly & me like daughters, and he truly loved my mother. It was three months since Jeff passed on Saturday. I miss & love you, Jeff.

I just don't know what to do. The justice system is inefficient, corrupt & unfair. I am studying Pre-Law and do not want to become a part of such a messed up system. Also, I question motives and sincerity often. I trust very few people. It just sucks. These things have forever changed my life, my outlook on life, and my functioning from day-to-day. I just hope that justice stands strong. I hope that I stand strong.

Grateful #8:

I am grateful for living in a place that has all four seasons. I love nature and the outdoors. Nothing is more beautiful than fresh snowfall, leaves changing, warm rain or a beautiful summer day. I thought I wasn't ready for the snow, but now that it is here, I am extremely glad. I can't wait to go snowboarding. Hopefully Tony will give me some of his skills.

Little Boy.

great grandma & carsyn


baby feet

first day home & mommy&carsyn

karly & carsyn

me & carsyn

well, here are the pictures of carsyn anthony i promised. isn't he just perfection?

Grateful #7:

I am extremely grateful for Carsyn Anothony. He is such an amazing little bundle of joy, and the family kind of needed him right now. He was like a blessing in disguise, I guess. Whenever I am around him, I can't get the smile off my face. Also, he looks just like Tony when he was a baby, and I am looking forward to seeing him grow up, teaching him things & just being there for him.

Memorial & Headstone.

Tony's headstone was put in place yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Makes it sink in a little bit more, and I don't like that.... It is going to have to sink in eventually though. I love you, Tony... with every ounce of me.

Grateful #6:

I am grateful for how beautiful Tony's headstone & bench are. They are fit for a King, which is good enough for Tone. I am glad he can be remembered in such a perfect way.. with his beautiful smile, the forest behind him, his quote & his favorite thing, his car.

love is watching someone die.

the title of this blog is from a song by death cab for cutie called "what Sarah said." i listen to this song a lot and have before any of these things happened (just more-so since.) i think about that "love is watching someone die."

the night of July 31, we were all looking frantically for tony. uncle David, Tiffany, Matt, Ashley, bobby & i all went to the bridge since we knew he had been there. the police assured us that tony was okay and filing a police report. then came checking all the police stations, and no sign of tony. then came waiting at the hospital. people had already known about tony being dead before we did.. even though we didn't really want to believe what anyone else had to say to us, because we had talked to the police.

around 11 or so, a hospital employee came and told us the news -- then there was pandemonium. running around, crying.. i personally collapsed to the ground. then we were waiting, hoping they'd at least bring his body back. around 2 am or so, they told us he was staying in the woods until the shooter was caught (which ended up being 16 hours.)

when i heard this news, i was in the car with a blanket, wanting to go and lay by tony in the woods, even if i knew he was already dead. i didn't want tony to have to sit out there... alone... cold... bleeding. if i wouldn't have been stopped by police, i definitely would have. it kills me that i didn't get to be with him -- even if it shouldn't. i know i probably wouldn't have wanted to see him like that -- with a hole in the face -- but i did NOT want him to be alone.

i hate to feel alone.
i know he wasn't scared and it was painless and instant death, but he still was alone. his soul knew he was alone. my poor tony.

i love you, tony.

grateful #5
i am grateful for the beautiful town of Houghton. it is my home away from home. i am happy here. everything here doesn't remind me of what i have lost. it reminds me of a new beginning

not the plan.

It isn't right that Tony isn't here. That was not the plan. We were all supposed to grow old together -- the four musketeers (Tony, Ashley, Karly, Me.) We can't do that anymore. I just don't get it.. This is not what is supposed to be happening.

I miss Tony.

I love Tony.

I need Tony.

.....what am I supposed to do?

Grateful #4

I am extremely grateful I voted yesterday in the 2008 elections, and my candidate, Barack Obama, came out victoriously. I believe he will make at least some of the changes America needs. I also am grateful the Proposal 1 in Michigan, Medicinal Marijuana, won with over 60% of the votes. I helped to pass around petitions for that my senior year in high school, so I am glad that it all paid off for the best. Yay for democracy! Yay for change! Yay for some sort of hope instilled in my state & this country.