not the plan.

It isn't right that Tony isn't here. That was not the plan. We were all supposed to grow old together -- the four musketeers (Tony, Ashley, Karly, Me.) We can't do that anymore. I just don't get it.. This is not what is supposed to be happening.

I miss Tony.

I love Tony.

I need Tony.

.....what am I supposed to do?

Grateful #4

I am extremely grateful I voted yesterday in the 2008 elections, and my candidate, Barack Obama, came out victoriously. I believe he will make at least some of the changes America needs. I also am grateful the Proposal 1 in Michigan, Medicinal Marijuana, won with over 60% of the votes. I helped to pass around petitions for that my senior year in high school, so I am glad that it all paid off for the best. Yay for democracy! Yay for change! Yay for some sort of hope instilled in my state & this country.

Formal Charges for Ian

Today at 1:00 in Florence County, Ian had his formal charges brought against him.

• He is being charged with First Degree Reckless Homicide
• Maximum 60 year sentence
• Bail was reduced from $500,000 to $300,000

Seeing Ian today broke my heart. As soon as I saw him in his striped jumpsuit and shackled, hands and feet. While Scott Johnson, the shooter who killed my cousin along with two others, can wear street clothes, no cuffs, and even be broadcast over a television because he doesn't want to see us. Scott Johnson is a sick man, and I know Ian is a good man with a good heart, who feels terrible about what he has done. I wish he didn't have to go through this; I wish we didn't have to go through this.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot.

I love Ian. I love Jeff. Should I still love Ian? I know he has done something terribly terribly wrong, but I have known him for 8 years (during which he loved me like a daughter.) I have never met anyone who would get a bigger smile on their face every time they saw me. I am just so incredibly confused by everything. I am losing all of my boys: Tony, Jeff & Ian. My protectors. I feel so scared and alone. It is no way to live your life, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

I am allowed to visit Ian tomorrow, but class is preventing me from doing that. Luckily, Sunday is also visiting day. I need to see him and see what he has to say about everything. I know he feels terrible, and didn't intend to kill him or hurt my family like this. He loves us, and I am the only one who can still say I love him.

There are more rough days to come. I need to find the strength to get through them.