i hate always feeling so alone. i hate always crying alone. i have friends here, but something is missing. actually, lots of things are missing. i need someone there for me. i need someone who gets me, who talks to me, who genuinely cares.
I'm actually feeling increasingly more and more alone as time drags on. nights are always long and lonely. too much time is spent in my head. it drives me mad! i try to occupy my mind with reading, writing, drawing, music.. whatever.. but the thoughts still seep in and then they snowball.
i keep so much shit bottled up. it isn't fucking healthy, but as I've said before, i don't like to bring others down because of my problems. i mean, i tried the counselor, and he was great and all, but didn't even try to talk about my problems, just casual conversation, which i don't need. i was sitting down at the cemetery with tony the other day; i was on the phone with someone and he asked me what i thought about when i was at the cemetery. it kind of threw me off guard, but i realized it was a question that i wished i had already been asked. it's the kind of question that can open to up to really think about how you are coping, which in my case is still not so well. i try, i really do, and depression doesn't rule my life anymore, but i am afraid i will never shake the sadness that lies deep down- the heartache that accompanies loss.
...i actually can't even continue writing this right now.
my heart hurts.
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