love is watching someone die.

the title of this blog is from a song by death cab for cutie called "what Sarah said." i listen to this song a lot and have before any of these things happened (just more-so since.) i think about that "love is watching someone die."

the night of July 31, we were all looking frantically for tony. uncle David, Tiffany, Matt, Ashley, bobby & i all went to the bridge since we knew he had been there. the police assured us that tony was okay and filing a police report. then came checking all the police stations, and no sign of tony. then came waiting at the hospital. people had already known about tony being dead before we did.. even though we didn't really want to believe what anyone else had to say to us, because we had talked to the police.

around 11 or so, a hospital employee came and told us the news -- then there was pandemonium. running around, crying.. i personally collapsed to the ground. then we were waiting, hoping they'd at least bring his body back. around 2 am or so, they told us he was staying in the woods until the shooter was caught (which ended up being 16 hours.)

when i heard this news, i was in the car with a blanket, wanting to go and lay by tony in the woods, even if i knew he was already dead. i didn't want tony to have to sit out there... alone... cold... bleeding. if i wouldn't have been stopped by police, i definitely would have. it kills me that i didn't get to be with him -- even if it shouldn't. i know i probably wouldn't have wanted to see him like that -- with a hole in the face -- but i did NOT want him to be alone.

i hate to feel alone.
i know he wasn't scared and it was painless and instant death, but he still was alone. his soul knew he was alone. my poor tony.

i love you, tony.

grateful #5
i am grateful for the beautiful town of Houghton. it is my home away from home. i am happy here. everything here doesn't remind me of what i have lost. it reminds me of a new beginning

lexapro.

Also, just wanted to say that I started my anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medication, Lexapro. I have been on it for a week now, and have noticed some subtle changes, but it usually takes up to a month to feel the full effects. I am hoping for the best.

Grateful #2:

I am extremely lucky to have the family that I have. When I think of family, it isn't mom, dad, sister, it is mom, dad, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents & close friends (Tiff, Chris.) I have an extremely large family & an extremely close family. We all live in the same town & see each other frequently. I don't know what I would do without them as such as great support system for me. I can't imagine losing somebody else right now. They are all so special to me, & I would do anything for any of them. Tiff & Chris, I would also call you guys family. You have been there with me through so much, and you both know me so well. No one can make me smile or laugh they way you guys can. Thank you for just being you. I love you guys! :D