Had my first appointment with a grief counselor today. I think it went pretty well. She gave me some exercises to work on when I start having panic attacks, as well as ways to just feeling better/coping everyday.
I still feel lost, confused, scared, lonely, angry, guilty.... so many feelings. I don't know how to process or deal with all of them; I just can't deal with all of this mess which is my life. I know someday it must get better... that is just something I am finding hard to believe right now.
I wish I could sleep at night, and when I do sleep, I wish I didn't have nightmares.
I wish my back didn't hurt all the time.... I wish my everything didn't hurt all the time.
I wish I didn't feel the way I do most of the time, and could really mean it when I'm smiling; I don't want to have to pretend everything is okay, because it isn't and I don't really have a clue when it will be again.
I need to move. On top of everything else, family life is not what it should be right now. Too much stress, too much stubbornness; I need to get away. I'm thinking online classes from Bay next semester and living in Houghton with Tiffy money. Feeling alone right now sucks, and I only feel alone at home. I wish it wasn't the truth, but it is.
I just want to fucking wake up already.
I wish it was Katie's terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad dream.
I miss you, boys.
Everything is nothing without you.
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