happy birthday tu-tu tony.

October 5, 1989.

The day Tony was born. The longest nine weeks we spent apart were the first nine weeks of my life, until now. Now, everyday gets harder without him. His birthday being here, and Jeff's being tomorrow (October 9,) makes everything harder. It makes things sink in a little bit more, when all I want is to celebrate with Tony. I can see us having another fire, even if it is a little chilly. Bubba Kegs, Pictures, Dancing.... My Tony. My special boy.

It just isn't right. He should be 19 years old. To die at 18, in such a tragic horrible way, will always be too much for me to accept and handle. I will never be able to fully cope with the fact that I lost him; I lost my best friend & my brother to an asshole with a gun who didn't like the police. He never even met Tony, never said a word to him. Just hopped up in the woods and chose to shoot these kids... and he regrets only killing three people.

Tony had so much more to live for. So much more to give. He didn't even get to go to his first college class. He never got to be married, although he did find love.. and lots of lust... He never got to be the great Uncle we knew he would be for Carsyn & our furture children, or the great dad he would have eventually been. All of these thoughts keep me awake at night. His face is always in my head. His voice and thoughts are always in my heart. Tony is always and will always be with me, through and through. I can't imagine a day where he's not always on my mind, not always keeping me strong.

On his birthday, which was Sunday, Tiffany and I got a balloon in Houghton, "Happy Birthday Tu-Tu Tony," and drove to the top of Mount Ripley. We then wrote letters to him, attached them, and sent it on it's way. Tony loved to snowboard, so I figured that would be the best option for him, even though I'm sure he's upset to see that no snow is being made yet.

The next day, when I got home, Ashley and I got two more balloons and some little thing of balloons to put at Tony's grave. Ash and I tied the "We Love You" balloon to the lantern at the cemetary, we then took the happy birthday balloon to the East Kingsford Bridge and let it go at the Memorial they just finished for the shooting with a note from Auntie Terri, Ashley & myself.

I know he got them all, and I know he knows how much we love and miss him, even though those words are like understatements to us. We could never even begin to disclose the type of love, adoration, affection and appreiciation we have for Tony and his life. The things he has taught me, and will continue to teach me, will always be the brightest light shining in my soul.

I LOVE YOU, TONY!
I hope you and Jeffy are having good birthday's up there, and that you keep on visiting us in our dreams. Keep letting us feel you there.. We know when you are there.. and we never want that to stop. I can't wait for the day to see you guys again.. and to especially see you Tony, with that huge smile and your face and your hands in the air ready to slap mine so hard my palms turn red, and I whine about it. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you.