i am me.

I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.†
Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine, because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me.
My body, including everything it does;
My mind, including all its thoughts and ideas;
My eyes, including the images of all they behold;
My feelings, whatever they may be;
My mouth and all the words that come out of it;
And all my actions, whether they be
to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can make it possible for all of me to
work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully,
look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive,
to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world
of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am magnificent

i have drugs that keep me up, but i'm going down.

going a couple days without medication can really fuck a girl up. i have been out of my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for a minute now and can completely tell the difference.

i am so insecure.
i am constantly judging myself in my head & taking everything personally.

the worst thing is, it pushes people away, because no one does get me. no one understands how these emotions can completely take over my being. it's like i'm not even there anymore, because none of what i am doing i am okay with. i say things i do not mean, i believe things that are not true, and i break myself and my relationships down.

i finally find a friend who i think gets me, and i ruin it. the saddest part about it, is that i did think he got me, the only person i've met who has made me think that.

he got me...

i mean, i feel terrible that i have been such a crazy the past few days, but depression and anxiety are ugly. i don't want to make excuses for myself. i want to make it better. i am trying to make it better, but i don't even know what to do about my friend - how to make it better if the communication is fading. don't get me wrong, i would be pretty annoyed, probably more than annoyed, if i were him, but at the same time, i'd wanna see why the fuck i am doing this. if i cared about someone i wouldn't want them hurting, or lonely, or insecure. i mean, i try to help other people, it's just harder to help yourself. i need someone in my corner. i need to fix this; i need my friend.

i feel like i am in quicksand and the more i try to make it better the worse it gets, the deeper i sink.



&&oh yes, i forgot to mention - it's my favorite holiday. happy 4:20.

freedom isn't free.

oh, baby! i am actually feeling pretty giddy and excited right now. i am about to leave and go see my probation officer; i get off probation today meaning -- I'M FREEEE! hahah. It's just nice to not have to worry about getting a probation violation, not having to worry about getting up at 8 am for work van, and no more fear of having to go to jail. this may sound stupid, but i am most excited i get to go back into wal-mart again. i know, sounds super lame, but it's like our town square, and i can get everythinggg there! i haven't even gotten my perscriptions regularly because i have to find someone to go get the for me. so yeah, just excited about no more stress involving this.

it feels nice to get some weight off your shoulders.
fuck.
i love this. :)

lead me to the truth & i will follow you with my whole life

i hate always feeling so alone. i hate always crying alone. i have friends here, but something is missing. actually, lots of things are missing. i need someone there for me. i need someone who gets me, who talks to me, who genuinely cares.

I'm actually feeling increasingly more and more alone as time drags on. nights are always long and lonely. too much time is spent in my head. it drives me mad! i try to occupy my mind with reading, writing, drawing, music.. whatever.. but the thoughts still seep in and then they snowball.

i keep so much shit bottled up. it isn't fucking healthy, but as I've said before, i don't like to bring others down because of my problems. i mean, i tried the counselor, and he was great and all, but didn't even try to talk about my problems, just casual conversation, which i don't need. i was sitting down at the cemetery with tony the other day; i was on the phone with someone and he asked me what i thought about when i was at the cemetery. it kind of threw me off guard, but i realized it was a question that i wished i had already been asked. it's the kind of question that can open to up to really think about how you are coping, which in my case is still not so well. i try, i really do, and depression doesn't rule my life anymore, but i am afraid i will never shake the sadness that lies deep down- the heartache that accompanies loss.

...i actually can't even continue writing this right now.
my heart hurts.

you are my only one.

i am scared a lot of the time.
scared of people.. even my family..

i'm starting to feel trapped and it is adding to the stress i already have.

my mom is getting sentenced on January 18, 2010.
we are hoping for (and the prosecutor is asking for) a year (or less) in county jail, as well as work release.

i just got my associates degree and either way, i am stuck here. trapped in iron mountain. taking care of karly while my mom is in jail. it's a lot of pressure. trying to live up to my moms standards. i still feel i need to prove myself to her at times, and this is the greatest test of all. do i leave and start my life, or stay here longer while my mom "pays back society" for her mistakes.

i feel trapped here.. stuck.. for my mother's mistakes. & don't get me wrong, i don't judge my mother. i know the circumstances. she did what she thought she had to do to support my sister and me. i just don't like being stuck here.. I ended up staying here longer than planned after losing tony, but now i'm back on track, and the thought of staying here is eating me up.

the loss of tony had started me on a road of detachment and lack of motivation. i mean, really, what do you do when you lose all the you know? .... i still can't answer that question... i guess my best answer, and what has been working for me, is keep living. better yet, live more for them.

i mean, i know i have made mistakes since tony died. mistakes that i regret. i am not proud of myself. i lost myself for a while. stopped caring about school.. my future.. & most importantly, myself. i started focusing on getting to the end of the tunnel, rather than experiencing the journey down it.

i lost my whole world that day, but.. the world didn't lose me. i have come to realize i can still do it, i can still be great, i can still have everything i want in life. i just need to believe in me. i have everything i need. i have love, support and passion. all i need is to not lose sight of the future just because the present is hard.

i know nothing that happens will heal the pain i feel over losing tony, or make anything okay, or making anything that has happened.. unhappen. but... i do know that tony wouldn't want me lose myself, lose my goals.. lose all our dreams. he would want me to be happy, and live everyday to its fullest.

life is a precious gift. i can't waste it being sad.. or lost.. or angry. needless to say, i will feel like this from time-to-time, but i will just have to remind myself that i'm living it for tony and me. that the fire can't stop burning. that there is hope. that life will go on and keep in my heart that one day, i will be with tony again.

one day...


i love you & miss you, tony.
more than words could ever tell you.

i'm not there.

It sure has been a while. I have been trying to deal -- not well I don't think. I kind of went into hiding for a while, still kinda am in hiding. I don't like to see people much. Feel like they are always judging or feeling bad for me. I don't like making people feel awkward. & I know people feel awkward around me -- or if I say anything about the tragedies that are my life.

Also, lost another friend. Angelo. He hung himself. He was like a brother to me for a while. He was good friends with Tony and then became good friends with the whole family. My mom even thought of him as another son. This meant I had to go to ANOTHER funeral. I just can't take these funerals. I always flashback to Tony. & to make matters worse, Angelo's Grandma said that no he was in heaven with his two best friends Tony & Eddy. (Jack Edwards -- Eddy -- died a couple years back -- also a good friend of mine.) Just hearing her say that kinda reaffirms that Tony is gone, and I still don't really believe he is. I just hope and pray I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point.

My mother is now in jail. She got sentenced to 60 days for assault & battery from the night of the bar fight where Jeff lost his life. She will get out the day before Thanksgiving & let me tell you, I can't wait to see her. I have always been close to my mom, and to not get to talk to her everyday and hug her, just kills me. I want to cry every time I talk to/see her. I just feel so bad for her. (Plus the girls in the jail where she is are torturing her.) With my mom being away my life has been turned upside down again. I have so many more responsibilities. It is wayy more work to keep up a house and pay bills and live on your own, basically, then I would have imagined. Plus, this is adding more stress to Karly's & my relationship. I just feel like I want to keep the house how my mom would have it -- clean as a pin -- but I live with a sister who can't even pick up her clothes in the bathroom or put her dishes in the dish washer. It just stresses me out, because more than anything I want to clean it up,but my counselor said it isn't good for me to do that, because I am just disabling her from living on her own in the future. It makes sense, and I haven't been cleaning up after her, but the messes drive me bonkers.

My mother has opened her eyes through this experience though, and that, makes it somewhat worth it. She has realized she has made mistakes, especially when it comes to our relationship. She may not love my little sister more, but she has acted like it. She has never told me she was proud of me, yet uses me as bragging rights to her friends about how smart & talented I am, and what my future plans are. I told her this was how I felt numerous times, and now she gets it. She has sent letters of apology, and she doesn't need to apologize. What is done, is done. It is in the past. She just has to look to the future and try to change how she acts and communicates. & she is opening her eyes to this. Which is all I could ask for.

She also go arrested in Michigan by the KIND team (drug team.) For selling marijuana. We aren't sure what she will end up getting sentenced to for this, but we are trying to be hopeful. If she goes to prison, I am not sure what I will do. She asked me to postpone moving away for school (since I will have my associates degree after this semester) in order to take care of the house and the dogs. Of course I will, I am just not thrilled about it. I am ready to continue my schooling, to move away, to have new experiences & start my life. My life has already been put on hold because of everything else. Now, I am taking my medication regularly, and I feel much better. I actually FEEL things again. I'm no longer numb. I like it.

I guess while we are on the subject of getting arrested I might as well tell you I got arrested as well. June 28th I believe.. for retail fraud (aka stealing.) Very stupid, I know. I just got sentenced last week. Had to pay $795 for fines/fees. Which I did. I also got sentenced to 12 days on the work van & 6 months of probation (which will only be three if I get on completing work van.) I have already done a day, and it wasn't too bad. Had to rake for like 5 hours, but I'm okay with that. I just want to get it done before it snows, because I do not do well in the cold. & shoveling isn't my 'cup-of-tea' so to speak. I am just thankful this is over, and I really learned my lesson. The best part of this, was representing myself. Judge Ninomya said I was well on my way to being a good lawyer. That felt good.

Well, this was jumbled, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on and I figured I'd start here, laying it all out, and elaborate later.

the united states of leland.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad ........ The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place ....... Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."

I just watched The United States of Leland for the second time (the first time since Tony died.) This is a movie about a kid who kills a mentally challenged individual, and doesn't really know why. A lot of the quotes I put really hit home. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I suppose I have known this all along, it just doesn't mean that I necessarily want to believe what is "true" or "realistic" anymore.

I just can't get Tony out of my head... ever. It is just getting worse. I believe I am getting closer to the depression stage of grief. I mean, I have denied and tried to pretend this didn't happen for so long. Yeah, I have days that are up and down, but there is never a day that I don't think about Tony, that I don't feel it. I was so sad before, and I didn't think it could get worse. Other things have happened, which have been extremely devastating, but none of them have compared to the loss of Tony, my best friend.

My nightmares have been getting worse lately. I had a dream that I went back in time last night, to the day of his death.

At the start of the dream, some woman gave me a doll that said it would change my life. I went to bed, and woke up in a cabin with Sully, Tiff, Karly and my mother. Other things were different, as well. Sully's name was Sam, for example. Then, I got a phone call from my Auntie Terri, people were then looking for Tony, and he called me. He told me that he was at some one's house, and was going to go swimming. I asked him what day it was and he told me, "Katie, are you kidding? It's July 31, the day after your birthday." I then felt like I had known that and he told me he loved me and I told him the same, and we got off the phone. I then realized what the day was, and frantically was trying to call him back, but it was too late. It was too late for me to save him, for me to do anything.

I then was woken up by Sully. He said I had been talking in my sleep, and he could tell I was having a nightmare. I realized I had tears in my eyes. It seemed like even though things changed in my dreams, I still couldn't save him. I still could not do anything about it, and I felt helpless.. hopeless, even. I just do not even know how to handle this most of the time. I just need someone. I need something to help me. Someone to hold me, and tell me that "everything is going to be o.k." ... Most of the time.. I just don't know how things are supposed to be okay. It is just so hard to cope with. How to you cope with such a violent, unjustified loss in my life. I just.... I just don't know.

I feel so lost and incomplete.

Grateful #11:
I would just like to say that I am grateful for Chris, "Sully," my boyfriend. That may sound "cheesy" or clique, but he really has helped a lot. Also, in the movie, Leland says there are two ways you can see life: "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." I usually see the sadness, and have my whole life (while still being happy.) Now, on the other hand, he really helps for me to "keep it out" in a sense. Most of the time when I am with him, although I don't "forget" about Tony, or my sadness, I can think about other things, I can look forward, look forward to the good that will eventually come. I can be genuinely happy, genuinely smile. He just lifts the dark clouds from my life, and shows me that there is hope... that there are things to look forward to... that it will get better.

Here We Go Again.

Sorry about the lack of writing lately. I have just been hit with more sadness again.

The holidays were terrible without Tony. On Christmas Eve at my grandma's house it is always the same -- gift opening from youngest to oldest. This means Tony is always right before me. This year it went from Ashley to me... no one even paused to give him some sort of recognition. I mean, I know everyone had him on their minds, you could see it on their faces, but ... I want him there more than just in my mind. His is in my heart, soul and spirit. I feel as if I live with Tony at all times. I just would have liked to have made him a bigger part of the night, even if it made us sad.. It's better than sweeping it under the rug.

I also lost another friend on December 27. My friend from Milwaukee, Patrick Alberts. He was 20. He died of an epileptic seizure in his sleep. His funeral was on January 2nd, & I went to Milwaukee with Danica for that. It was heartbreaking. It just seems like this never ends.. but I am hoping that nothing else bad can happen.. I mean, the tragedies have gotten less intense, but it still hurts.. A LOT! It just brings back all these emotions and all I could see in his casket was Tony.. and I hated that. That picture of him like that is imprinted in my head forever. I mean, I remember the goood times so much more, but at a funeral, it's just Tony, Tony, Tony, which also makes me feel guilty for Pat and his family, because I know how they feel and it is terrible. And I sucks to only have seen the for the first time in forever under these circumstances, like his brother, Jeff. I just wanted to hold him and cry for days.

I also broke my foot 2 weeks ago, tripping over my super nintendo. Wearing that stupid boot in a pain, but at least it's a funny story.

The new semester just started 3 weeks ago. I am super stressed, and am still waiting for my $3,000 loan to go through. I need money! I need a laptop! I am taking all online classes this semester, because I could not miss all the class time for Scott Johnson's trail (which I wouldn't miss for the world.) Our home computer is a s-l-o-w pile of junk, and I need something effiecent to be able to do my schoolwork on.

Ugghhh am I stressed!

Grateful #10:

I am grateful for a new year. New year comes new hope and optimism. I just pray it lasts.

Trial News Article

A Marinette County judge denied two defense motions for accused killer Scott J. Johnson Tuesday.
Johnson, 38, of Kingsford, is charged with three first degree intentional homicides in a July 31 shooting rampage that killed three Michigan teens at the East Kingsford train bridge that spans the Menominee River.
Following three hours of testimony from law enforcement officials, Marinette County Circuit Court Judge Tim Duket ruled Johnson's two statements made to the police without an attorney present will be allowed as evidence. Duket also denied a change of venue request.
Public defenders Shannon Viel and Carrie Laplant of Green Bay, Wis., are representing Johnson. The attorneys did not have any predictions going into the motion hearing Tuesday. They said they just wanted to present the issues.
"Decisions are what they are. We'll go from here," Viel said afterwards. "We're just going to move forward. We didn't bank on it."
Viel said opting for a change of venue was the first and foremost issue to settle, along with making sure every option was fully explored.
Marinette County District Attorney Brent DeBord, who was defeated by his assistant Allen Brey in the November election, asked the Attorney General's Office in Madison, Wis., to take over the case. Roy Korty, assistant attorney general, said the office is glad to assist in these kinds of cases. Assistant Attorney General Gary Freyberg said Johnson's statements are important in this case. He said he was not surprised at the judge's ruling.
Johnson was interviewed by police twice on the morning of Aug. 1 after being apprehended in a wooded area near Bennett Road and County N in the town of Niagara. He was interviewed at a Command Center for about 30 minutes and then again at the Marinette County Jail for about two hours.
Both these interviews were without an attorney present and after the defendant was read his Miranda rights.
The defense said law enforcement chose to interview Johnson immediately after being arrested with a dozen officers around with guns drawn. They argued that he was at his weakest point at that time. Johnson's attorneys also argued the length of the questioning should be considered and weighed against the emotional aspect of the defendant.
Freyberg said Johnson was moved and provided with water. He also said officers were asked to move away from the Command Center's trailer, and some did.
"He was able to read and write, and there was no indication he didn't understand his rights," Freyberg said. "He appeared not upset, normal, no evidence of intoxicants. Yes, he was out all night. There was no evidence he was sleepless. He planned to do this."
Freyberg said there was minimal amount of force used at Johnson's arrest. And he was not made any threats, promises or inducements. He was informed of counsel twice.
Duket said what strikes him when he listens to the tapes is that Johnson is talkative and seems to want to talk about what happened.
"I found it striking how conversational he was - like he was at a coffee shop having coffee. It was really striking. It was conversational," Duket said. "He chose to talk. He was aware. He waived his right to silence and to have an attorney," Judge Duket said.
Defense attorneys continued to argue that articles in The Daily News and online blogs do not help their case.
"They are still readily available to any potential juror who wants to find information," Laplant said of the on-line information.
She added the blogs went into inflammatory detail, and that a particular article in The Daily News interviewed the defendant's mother. Laplant said a quote in that article appears to presume guilt. She said the public's access to this information affects Johnson's ability to have a fair trial. Laplant also said a letter Michigan U.S. Bart Stupak wrote in October indicates Johnson deserves federal charges. She said that is an example of the general feeling of the Wisconsin Justice System. "That feeling that has been put out there violates our client's rights," she said.
The defense said these reasons alone require a change of venue.
"Certainly this case has generated publicity. The defense gave 12 examples," Freyberg said. "At most, we have a quote from the defendant's mother and the second is no more than the DA disclosing the information of the criminal complaints." Freyberg said it is dangerous to go too far with the defense argument. "These are not published by newspaper editors. They are comments only online," he said, adding that the media reports were factual, objective reporting. "I understand the state's relatively small county, and the level of publicity increases the chances of any potential juror who will have read the case; therefore the state is not opposed to selecting a jury from another county," he said.
Judge Duket said the newspaper articles and online blogs are not rebel rousing or inflammatory. He added the TV, radio and newspaper reports are pretty straight-forward reporting. "It doesn't mean he can't get a fair trial in Marinette County. We can deal with the problem that may have been corrupted by blogs and a congressman," Duket said. Duket said the fact that the trial is not scheduled until March, more than seven months after the shooting, is a benefit for a jury from Marinette County. "I am confident we can draw a jury. As far as those blogs, prejudicial blogging is limited to Upper Michigan. It's been my rough knowledge that two-thirds of the county live in one-third of the county," he said.
Freyberg said court cases are obviously something that is extremely difficult for family members and to them it is like re-living the crime.
"They are strong people and are doing as well as expected," Korty said.
Johnson has pleaded insanity to the 10 felonies, which also includes six counts of attempted first-degree intentional homicide by use of a dangerous weapon and one count of second degree sexual assault.
A pre-trial conference will be held March 9. The trial, which is expected to last three weeks, is set to start March 16 in Marinette County Circuit Court.
Attorneys on each side are to come up with a list of questions for the potential jurors. The jury will be sequestered.

We're At The Top Of The World.

Scott Johnson was in court today. The defense attorneys for Scott J. Johnson were not granted what they requested during a motion hearing in Marinette County Circuit Court Tuesday.

Johnson, 38, of Kingsford, is charged with three first degree intentional homicides in a July 31st shooting rampage that killed three Michigan teens.

Following three hours of the state of Wisconsin calling law enforcement to the witness stand for questioning, Judge Tim Duket decided Johnson's two statements made to the police without an attorney present will not be suppressed.

In addition a change of venue was not granted.

I am really happy about this. Johnson better not get off easy in any way, shape or form. The fact that he is even trying to get insanity boils my blood. Although, if he did get it, he would eventually be able to discharged from the mental hospital.... then revenge would be ours. That spineless, cold-blooded killer. I loath him.

Grateful #9:

I am grateful that it is finals week this week. I worked as hard as I could this semester, and really liked all of my classes. I just am looking forward to being able to relax and cope some more, without all the other pressures of life.