going a couple days without medication can really fuck a girl up. i have been out of my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for a minute now and can completely tell the difference.
i am so insecure.
i am constantly judging myself in my head & taking everything personally.
the worst thing is, it pushes people away, because no one does get me. no one understands how these emotions can completely take over my being. it's like i'm not even there anymore, because none of what i am doing i am okay with. i say things i do not mean, i believe things that are not true, and i break myself and my relationships down.
i finally find a friend who i think gets me, and i ruin it. the saddest part about it, is that i did think he got me, the only person i've met who has made me think that.
he got me...
i mean, i feel terrible that i have been such a crazy the past few days, but depression and anxiety are ugly. i don't want to make excuses for myself. i want to make it better. i am trying to make it better, but i don't even know what to do about my friend - how to make it better if the communication is fading. don't get me wrong, i would be pretty annoyed, probably more than annoyed, if i were him, but at the same time, i'd wanna see why the fuck i am doing this. if i cared about someone i wouldn't want them hurting, or lonely, or insecure. i mean, i try to help other people, it's just harder to help yourself. i need someone in my corner. i need to fix this; i need my friend.
i feel like i am in quicksand and the more i try to make it better the worse it gets, the deeper i sink.
&&oh yes, i forgot to mention - it's my favorite holiday. happy 4:20.
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