you are my only one.

i am scared a lot of the time.
scared of people.. even my family..

i'm starting to feel trapped and it is adding to the stress i already have.

my mom is getting sentenced on January 18, 2010.
we are hoping for (and the prosecutor is asking for) a year (or less) in county jail, as well as work release.

i just got my associates degree and either way, i am stuck here. trapped in iron mountain. taking care of karly while my mom is in jail. it's a lot of pressure. trying to live up to my moms standards. i still feel i need to prove myself to her at times, and this is the greatest test of all. do i leave and start my life, or stay here longer while my mom "pays back society" for her mistakes.

i feel trapped here.. stuck.. for my mother's mistakes. & don't get me wrong, i don't judge my mother. i know the circumstances. she did what she thought she had to do to support my sister and me. i just don't like being stuck here.. I ended up staying here longer than planned after losing tony, but now i'm back on track, and the thought of staying here is eating me up.

the loss of tony had started me on a road of detachment and lack of motivation. i mean, really, what do you do when you lose all the you know? .... i still can't answer that question... i guess my best answer, and what has been working for me, is keep living. better yet, live more for them.

i mean, i know i have made mistakes since tony died. mistakes that i regret. i am not proud of myself. i lost myself for a while. stopped caring about school.. my future.. & most importantly, myself. i started focusing on getting to the end of the tunnel, rather than experiencing the journey down it.

i lost my whole world that day, but.. the world didn't lose me. i have come to realize i can still do it, i can still be great, i can still have everything i want in life. i just need to believe in me. i have everything i need. i have love, support and passion. all i need is to not lose sight of the future just because the present is hard.

i know nothing that happens will heal the pain i feel over losing tony, or make anything okay, or making anything that has happened.. unhappen. but... i do know that tony wouldn't want me lose myself, lose my goals.. lose all our dreams. he would want me to be happy, and live everyday to its fullest.

life is a precious gift. i can't waste it being sad.. or lost.. or angry. needless to say, i will feel like this from time-to-time, but i will just have to remind myself that i'm living it for tony and me. that the fire can't stop burning. that there is hope. that life will go on and keep in my heart that one day, i will be with tony again.

one day...


i love you & miss you, tony.
more than words could ever tell you.