Stuck.

That is how I kind of feel. Like I am stuck here. I am stuck in a state of mind that is rejecting what has happened to me in the past couple months.

My mother just gave me a beautiful senior picture of Tony's. It is not like I hadn't seen this picture before; I have actually seen it many time, but today I really looked it at. All of a sudden I screamed "I still can't fucking believe it." It is true, I still can't believe that Tony is gone. I look at his beautiful face, his honest eyes and his perfect gap in his smile. I can't come to terms with the fact that I will not get to see that anymore. That I will not get to tell him all of my secrets anymore, hear him laugh anymore, or just sing stupid songs.

What do you do when you lose the closest person to you?

Then what do you do when you lose the other people closest to you?

You get stuck. Stuck under emotions, and feelings you are not exactly sure how to deal with. Stuck with a bitterness in this situation, because they were all thoughtless acts of violence.

Tony should still be with me.
Jeff should still be with me.

Fuck.
I just am stuck.

Grateful #3:

I am grateful for my best friend, Tiffany Hendricks. I know I included her in my family discussion yesterday, but she needs her own section. Tiffany & I have been friends since the 7th grade, though we have had our ups & downs, we have a friendship unlike the majority of people. We have always been there for each other, and she has been there for me through all of this. I really do not know what I would have done without her over the past couple months. I would be in a lot worse of a place mentally right now, that is for sure. Tiffany is honest, caring, funny and just one-of-a-kind. I couldn't/wouldn't trade her for anything. If two people were destined to be friends, I would tell you it was her & me. We can spend all the time in the world together and not really get annoyed with or sick of each other. Tiffany, just know that you are amazing, & I love you unconditionally. You mean the world to me, darling. :)

lexapro.

Also, just wanted to say that I started my anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medication, Lexapro. I have been on it for a week now, and have noticed some subtle changes, but it usually takes up to a month to feel the full effects. I am hoping for the best.

Grateful #2:

I am extremely lucky to have the family that I have. When I think of family, it isn't mom, dad, sister, it is mom, dad, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents & close friends (Tiff, Chris.) I have an extremely large family & an extremely close family. We all live in the same town & see each other frequently. I don't know what I would do without them as such as great support system for me. I can't imagine losing somebody else right now. They are all so special to me, & I would do anything for any of them. Tiff & Chris, I would also call you guys family. You have been there with me through so much, and you both know me so well. No one can make me smile or laugh they way you guys can. Thank you for just being you. I love you guys! :D

katie vs. the headwrap

Just got surgery on my ear yesterday.

I had an industrial piercing, and my ear ended up rejecting it creating more scar tissues & such. It was a lengthy procedure. I was there from 6am until 3pm. I had to go back to the doctor today and again tomorrow morning. My head has been throbbing since the initial drugs at the hospital wore off, because they only gave me Tylenol 3 (like that is going to cure any pain.) When I woke up in the hospital and felt my head there was this enormous head wrap. My mother said I looked like a half amputated mickey mouse. Anyway, I was too sore and groggy to go to class or counseling today. I am really upset about this. I had thought it was going to be a simple in-office procedure like earlier visits, but this was full-blown surgery. I just have enough other things going on in my life that are distracting me from school. I don't need anymore. There is too much for my to deal with right now.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!!

I have also decided I want to write one thing I am grateful for every post.

Grateful #1:
I am extremely grateful for all of the time I got to share with my cousin,
Tony, before the tragedy. He honestly was the person I knew better than
anybody, and there is definitely no one I had spent more time with. He
will always be my brother & my best friend,

but I know some people aren't as
lucky as I was when it come to sharing Tony's life with him. I am thankful
for Tony's life every day,

and I am grateful for everything he has taught me
over the years & continues to teach me after he has left us.
I love you with all of my heart, Tony, &
I miss you more than I could ever express.
You are my rock & my hero.
Thank-you for
everything.

prozac nation

I made an appointment today with my physician to see if I could go on anti-depressants. I always said I wouldn't need to go on them, and that I wasn't depressed. After looking at the symptoms and talking to a counselor, I think I may actually be depressed.

Depression can be caused genetically, through personality traits (pessimist, worry, low self-esteem, etc.) and after tragedies. My mother has had depression since I was born. I have low self-esteem, anxiety, worry, stress. I have lost my brother, fathers, & friends. I think it is all a bit too much too handle, especially right now with school, court proceedings and just the regular stresses of life.

Symptoms of depression that I have: (all of them)

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Insomnia
• Appetite and/or weight loss
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, and chronic pain

I have always been very apprehensive to use an anti-depressant, because people age 18-25 have the highest risk of suicide while on this medication. I need to do some research.

happy birthday tu-tu tony.

October 5, 1989.

The day Tony was born. The longest nine weeks we spent apart were the first nine weeks of my life, until now. Now, everyday gets harder without him. His birthday being here, and Jeff's being tomorrow (October 9,) makes everything harder. It makes things sink in a little bit more, when all I want is to celebrate with Tony. I can see us having another fire, even if it is a little chilly. Bubba Kegs, Pictures, Dancing.... My Tony. My special boy.

It just isn't right. He should be 19 years old. To die at 18, in such a tragic horrible way, will always be too much for me to accept and handle. I will never be able to fully cope with the fact that I lost him; I lost my best friend & my brother to an asshole with a gun who didn't like the police. He never even met Tony, never said a word to him. Just hopped up in the woods and chose to shoot these kids... and he regrets only killing three people.

Tony had so much more to live for. So much more to give. He didn't even get to go to his first college class. He never got to be married, although he did find love.. and lots of lust... He never got to be the great Uncle we knew he would be for Carsyn & our furture children, or the great dad he would have eventually been. All of these thoughts keep me awake at night. His face is always in my head. His voice and thoughts are always in my heart. Tony is always and will always be with me, through and through. I can't imagine a day where he's not always on my mind, not always keeping me strong.

On his birthday, which was Sunday, Tiffany and I got a balloon in Houghton, "Happy Birthday Tu-Tu Tony," and drove to the top of Mount Ripley. We then wrote letters to him, attached them, and sent it on it's way. Tony loved to snowboard, so I figured that would be the best option for him, even though I'm sure he's upset to see that no snow is being made yet.

The next day, when I got home, Ashley and I got two more balloons and some little thing of balloons to put at Tony's grave. Ash and I tied the "We Love You" balloon to the lantern at the cemetary, we then took the happy birthday balloon to the East Kingsford Bridge and let it go at the Memorial they just finished for the shooting with a note from Auntie Terri, Ashley & myself.

I know he got them all, and I know he knows how much we love and miss him, even though those words are like understatements to us. We could never even begin to disclose the type of love, adoration, affection and appreiciation we have for Tony and his life. The things he has taught me, and will continue to teach me, will always be the brightest light shining in my soul.

I LOVE YOU, TONY!
I hope you and Jeffy are having good birthday's up there, and that you keep on visiting us in our dreams. Keep letting us feel you there.. We know when you are there.. and we never want that to stop. I can't wait for the day to see you guys again.. and to especially see you Tony, with that huge smile and your face and your hands in the air ready to slap mine so hard my palms turn red, and I whine about it. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you.

to love beauty is to see light

Had my first appointment with a grief counselor today. I think it went pretty well. She gave me some exercises to work on when I start having panic attacks, as well as ways to just feeling better/coping everyday.

I still feel lost, confused, scared, lonely, angry, guilty.... so many feelings. I don't know how to process or deal with all of them; I just can't deal with all of this mess which is my life. I know someday it must get better... that is just something I am finding hard to believe right now.

I wish I could sleep at night, and when I do sleep, I wish I didn't have nightmares.

I wish my back didn't hurt all the time.... I wish my everything didn't hurt all the time.

I wish I didn't feel the way I do most of the time, and could really mean it when I'm smiling; I don't want to have to pretend everything is okay, because it isn't and I don't really have a clue when it will be again.

I need to move. On top of everything else, family life is not what it should be right now. Too much stress, too much stubbornness; I need to get away. I'm thinking online classes from Bay next semester and living in Houghton with Tiffy money. Feeling alone right now sucks, and I only feel alone at home. I wish it wasn't the truth, but it is.

I just want to fucking wake up already.
I wish it was Katie's terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad dream.

I miss you, boys.
Everything is nothing without you.