i am me.

I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.†
Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine, because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me.
My body, including everything it does;
My mind, including all its thoughts and ideas;
My eyes, including the images of all they behold;
My feelings, whatever they may be;
My mouth and all the words that come out of it;
And all my actions, whether they be
to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can make it possible for all of me to
work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully,
look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive,
to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world
of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am magnificent

i have drugs that keep me up, but i'm going down.

going a couple days without medication can really fuck a girl up. i have been out of my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for a minute now and can completely tell the difference.

i am so insecure.
i am constantly judging myself in my head & taking everything personally.

the worst thing is, it pushes people away, because no one does get me. no one understands how these emotions can completely take over my being. it's like i'm not even there anymore, because none of what i am doing i am okay with. i say things i do not mean, i believe things that are not true, and i break myself and my relationships down.

i finally find a friend who i think gets me, and i ruin it. the saddest part about it, is that i did think he got me, the only person i've met who has made me think that.

he got me...

i mean, i feel terrible that i have been such a crazy the past few days, but depression and anxiety are ugly. i don't want to make excuses for myself. i want to make it better. i am trying to make it better, but i don't even know what to do about my friend - how to make it better if the communication is fading. don't get me wrong, i would be pretty annoyed, probably more than annoyed, if i were him, but at the same time, i'd wanna see why the fuck i am doing this. if i cared about someone i wouldn't want them hurting, or lonely, or insecure. i mean, i try to help other people, it's just harder to help yourself. i need someone in my corner. i need to fix this; i need my friend.

i feel like i am in quicksand and the more i try to make it better the worse it gets, the deeper i sink.



&&oh yes, i forgot to mention - it's my favorite holiday. happy 4:20.

freedom isn't free.

oh, baby! i am actually feeling pretty giddy and excited right now. i am about to leave and go see my probation officer; i get off probation today meaning -- I'M FREEEE! hahah. It's just nice to not have to worry about getting a probation violation, not having to worry about getting up at 8 am for work van, and no more fear of having to go to jail. this may sound stupid, but i am most excited i get to go back into wal-mart again. i know, sounds super lame, but it's like our town square, and i can get everythinggg there! i haven't even gotten my perscriptions regularly because i have to find someone to go get the for me. so yeah, just excited about no more stress involving this.

it feels nice to get some weight off your shoulders.
fuck.
i love this. :)

lead me to the truth & i will follow you with my whole life

i hate always feeling so alone. i hate always crying alone. i have friends here, but something is missing. actually, lots of things are missing. i need someone there for me. i need someone who gets me, who talks to me, who genuinely cares.

I'm actually feeling increasingly more and more alone as time drags on. nights are always long and lonely. too much time is spent in my head. it drives me mad! i try to occupy my mind with reading, writing, drawing, music.. whatever.. but the thoughts still seep in and then they snowball.

i keep so much shit bottled up. it isn't fucking healthy, but as I've said before, i don't like to bring others down because of my problems. i mean, i tried the counselor, and he was great and all, but didn't even try to talk about my problems, just casual conversation, which i don't need. i was sitting down at the cemetery with tony the other day; i was on the phone with someone and he asked me what i thought about when i was at the cemetery. it kind of threw me off guard, but i realized it was a question that i wished i had already been asked. it's the kind of question that can open to up to really think about how you are coping, which in my case is still not so well. i try, i really do, and depression doesn't rule my life anymore, but i am afraid i will never shake the sadness that lies deep down- the heartache that accompanies loss.

...i actually can't even continue writing this right now.
my heart hurts.