you are my only one.

i am scared a lot of the time.
scared of people.. even my family..

i'm starting to feel trapped and it is adding to the stress i already have.

my mom is getting sentenced on January 18, 2010.
we are hoping for (and the prosecutor is asking for) a year (or less) in county jail, as well as work release.

i just got my associates degree and either way, i am stuck here. trapped in iron mountain. taking care of karly while my mom is in jail. it's a lot of pressure. trying to live up to my moms standards. i still feel i need to prove myself to her at times, and this is the greatest test of all. do i leave and start my life, or stay here longer while my mom "pays back society" for her mistakes.

i feel trapped here.. stuck.. for my mother's mistakes. & don't get me wrong, i don't judge my mother. i know the circumstances. she did what she thought she had to do to support my sister and me. i just don't like being stuck here.. I ended up staying here longer than planned after losing tony, but now i'm back on track, and the thought of staying here is eating me up.

the loss of tony had started me on a road of detachment and lack of motivation. i mean, really, what do you do when you lose all the you know? .... i still can't answer that question... i guess my best answer, and what has been working for me, is keep living. better yet, live more for them.

i mean, i know i have made mistakes since tony died. mistakes that i regret. i am not proud of myself. i lost myself for a while. stopped caring about school.. my future.. & most importantly, myself. i started focusing on getting to the end of the tunnel, rather than experiencing the journey down it.

i lost my whole world that day, but.. the world didn't lose me. i have come to realize i can still do it, i can still be great, i can still have everything i want in life. i just need to believe in me. i have everything i need. i have love, support and passion. all i need is to not lose sight of the future just because the present is hard.

i know nothing that happens will heal the pain i feel over losing tony, or make anything okay, or making anything that has happened.. unhappen. but... i do know that tony wouldn't want me lose myself, lose my goals.. lose all our dreams. he would want me to be happy, and live everyday to its fullest.

life is a precious gift. i can't waste it being sad.. or lost.. or angry. needless to say, i will feel like this from time-to-time, but i will just have to remind myself that i'm living it for tony and me. that the fire can't stop burning. that there is hope. that life will go on and keep in my heart that one day, i will be with tony again.

one day...


i love you & miss you, tony.
more than words could ever tell you.

i'm not there.

It sure has been a while. I have been trying to deal -- not well I don't think. I kind of went into hiding for a while, still kinda am in hiding. I don't like to see people much. Feel like they are always judging or feeling bad for me. I don't like making people feel awkward. & I know people feel awkward around me -- or if I say anything about the tragedies that are my life.

Also, lost another friend. Angelo. He hung himself. He was like a brother to me for a while. He was good friends with Tony and then became good friends with the whole family. My mom even thought of him as another son. This meant I had to go to ANOTHER funeral. I just can't take these funerals. I always flashback to Tony. & to make matters worse, Angelo's Grandma said that no he was in heaven with his two best friends Tony & Eddy. (Jack Edwards -- Eddy -- died a couple years back -- also a good friend of mine.) Just hearing her say that kinda reaffirms that Tony is gone, and I still don't really believe he is. I just hope and pray I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point.

My mother is now in jail. She got sentenced to 60 days for assault & battery from the night of the bar fight where Jeff lost his life. She will get out the day before Thanksgiving & let me tell you, I can't wait to see her. I have always been close to my mom, and to not get to talk to her everyday and hug her, just kills me. I want to cry every time I talk to/see her. I just feel so bad for her. (Plus the girls in the jail where she is are torturing her.) With my mom being away my life has been turned upside down again. I have so many more responsibilities. It is wayy more work to keep up a house and pay bills and live on your own, basically, then I would have imagined. Plus, this is adding more stress to Karly's & my relationship. I just feel like I want to keep the house how my mom would have it -- clean as a pin -- but I live with a sister who can't even pick up her clothes in the bathroom or put her dishes in the dish washer. It just stresses me out, because more than anything I want to clean it up,but my counselor said it isn't good for me to do that, because I am just disabling her from living on her own in the future. It makes sense, and I haven't been cleaning up after her, but the messes drive me bonkers.

My mother has opened her eyes through this experience though, and that, makes it somewhat worth it. She has realized she has made mistakes, especially when it comes to our relationship. She may not love my little sister more, but she has acted like it. She has never told me she was proud of me, yet uses me as bragging rights to her friends about how smart & talented I am, and what my future plans are. I told her this was how I felt numerous times, and now she gets it. She has sent letters of apology, and she doesn't need to apologize. What is done, is done. It is in the past. She just has to look to the future and try to change how she acts and communicates. & she is opening her eyes to this. Which is all I could ask for.

She also go arrested in Michigan by the KIND team (drug team.) For selling marijuana. We aren't sure what she will end up getting sentenced to for this, but we are trying to be hopeful. If she goes to prison, I am not sure what I will do. She asked me to postpone moving away for school (since I will have my associates degree after this semester) in order to take care of the house and the dogs. Of course I will, I am just not thrilled about it. I am ready to continue my schooling, to move away, to have new experiences & start my life. My life has already been put on hold because of everything else. Now, I am taking my medication regularly, and I feel much better. I actually FEEL things again. I'm no longer numb. I like it.

I guess while we are on the subject of getting arrested I might as well tell you I got arrested as well. June 28th I believe.. for retail fraud (aka stealing.) Very stupid, I know. I just got sentenced last week. Had to pay $795 for fines/fees. Which I did. I also got sentenced to 12 days on the work van & 6 months of probation (which will only be three if I get on completing work van.) I have already done a day, and it wasn't too bad. Had to rake for like 5 hours, but I'm okay with that. I just want to get it done before it snows, because I do not do well in the cold. & shoveling isn't my 'cup-of-tea' so to speak. I am just thankful this is over, and I really learned my lesson. The best part of this, was representing myself. Judge Ninomya said I was well on my way to being a good lawyer. That felt good.

Well, this was jumbled, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on and I figured I'd start here, laying it all out, and elaborate later.

the united states of leland.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad ........ The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place ....... Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."

I just watched The United States of Leland for the second time (the first time since Tony died.) This is a movie about a kid who kills a mentally challenged individual, and doesn't really know why. A lot of the quotes I put really hit home. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I suppose I have known this all along, it just doesn't mean that I necessarily want to believe what is "true" or "realistic" anymore.

I just can't get Tony out of my head... ever. It is just getting worse. I believe I am getting closer to the depression stage of grief. I mean, I have denied and tried to pretend this didn't happen for so long. Yeah, I have days that are up and down, but there is never a day that I don't think about Tony, that I don't feel it. I was so sad before, and I didn't think it could get worse. Other things have happened, which have been extremely devastating, but none of them have compared to the loss of Tony, my best friend.

My nightmares have been getting worse lately. I had a dream that I went back in time last night, to the day of his death.

At the start of the dream, some woman gave me a doll that said it would change my life. I went to bed, and woke up in a cabin with Sully, Tiff, Karly and my mother. Other things were different, as well. Sully's name was Sam, for example. Then, I got a phone call from my Auntie Terri, people were then looking for Tony, and he called me. He told me that he was at some one's house, and was going to go swimming. I asked him what day it was and he told me, "Katie, are you kidding? It's July 31, the day after your birthday." I then felt like I had known that and he told me he loved me and I told him the same, and we got off the phone. I then realized what the day was, and frantically was trying to call him back, but it was too late. It was too late for me to save him, for me to do anything.

I then was woken up by Sully. He said I had been talking in my sleep, and he could tell I was having a nightmare. I realized I had tears in my eyes. It seemed like even though things changed in my dreams, I still couldn't save him. I still could not do anything about it, and I felt helpless.. hopeless, even. I just do not even know how to handle this most of the time. I just need someone. I need something to help me. Someone to hold me, and tell me that "everything is going to be o.k." ... Most of the time.. I just don't know how things are supposed to be okay. It is just so hard to cope with. How to you cope with such a violent, unjustified loss in my life. I just.... I just don't know.

I feel so lost and incomplete.

Grateful #11:
I would just like to say that I am grateful for Chris, "Sully," my boyfriend. That may sound "cheesy" or clique, but he really has helped a lot. Also, in the movie, Leland says there are two ways you can see life: "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." I usually see the sadness, and have my whole life (while still being happy.) Now, on the other hand, he really helps for me to "keep it out" in a sense. Most of the time when I am with him, although I don't "forget" about Tony, or my sadness, I can think about other things, I can look forward, look forward to the good that will eventually come. I can be genuinely happy, genuinely smile. He just lifts the dark clouds from my life, and shows me that there is hope... that there are things to look forward to... that it will get better.

Here We Go Again.

Sorry about the lack of writing lately. I have just been hit with more sadness again.

The holidays were terrible without Tony. On Christmas Eve at my grandma's house it is always the same -- gift opening from youngest to oldest. This means Tony is always right before me. This year it went from Ashley to me... no one even paused to give him some sort of recognition. I mean, I know everyone had him on their minds, you could see it on their faces, but ... I want him there more than just in my mind. His is in my heart, soul and spirit. I feel as if I live with Tony at all times. I just would have liked to have made him a bigger part of the night, even if it made us sad.. It's better than sweeping it under the rug.

I also lost another friend on December 27. My friend from Milwaukee, Patrick Alberts. He was 20. He died of an epileptic seizure in his sleep. His funeral was on January 2nd, & I went to Milwaukee with Danica for that. It was heartbreaking. It just seems like this never ends.. but I am hoping that nothing else bad can happen.. I mean, the tragedies have gotten less intense, but it still hurts.. A LOT! It just brings back all these emotions and all I could see in his casket was Tony.. and I hated that. That picture of him like that is imprinted in my head forever. I mean, I remember the goood times so much more, but at a funeral, it's just Tony, Tony, Tony, which also makes me feel guilty for Pat and his family, because I know how they feel and it is terrible. And I sucks to only have seen the for the first time in forever under these circumstances, like his brother, Jeff. I just wanted to hold him and cry for days.

I also broke my foot 2 weeks ago, tripping over my super nintendo. Wearing that stupid boot in a pain, but at least it's a funny story.

The new semester just started 3 weeks ago. I am super stressed, and am still waiting for my $3,000 loan to go through. I need money! I need a laptop! I am taking all online classes this semester, because I could not miss all the class time for Scott Johnson's trail (which I wouldn't miss for the world.) Our home computer is a s-l-o-w pile of junk, and I need something effiecent to be able to do my schoolwork on.

Ugghhh am I stressed!

Grateful #10:

I am grateful for a new year. New year comes new hope and optimism. I just pray it lasts.