i'm not there.

It sure has been a while. I have been trying to deal -- not well I don't think. I kind of went into hiding for a while, still kinda am in hiding. I don't like to see people much. Feel like they are always judging or feeling bad for me. I don't like making people feel awkward. & I know people feel awkward around me -- or if I say anything about the tragedies that are my life.

Also, lost another friend. Angelo. He hung himself. He was like a brother to me for a while. He was good friends with Tony and then became good friends with the whole family. My mom even thought of him as another son. This meant I had to go to ANOTHER funeral. I just can't take these funerals. I always flashback to Tony. & to make matters worse, Angelo's Grandma said that no he was in heaven with his two best friends Tony & Eddy. (Jack Edwards -- Eddy -- died a couple years back -- also a good friend of mine.) Just hearing her say that kinda reaffirms that Tony is gone, and I still don't really believe he is. I just hope and pray I'm going to wake up from this nightmare at some point.

My mother is now in jail. She got sentenced to 60 days for assault & battery from the night of the bar fight where Jeff lost his life. She will get out the day before Thanksgiving & let me tell you, I can't wait to see her. I have always been close to my mom, and to not get to talk to her everyday and hug her, just kills me. I want to cry every time I talk to/see her. I just feel so bad for her. (Plus the girls in the jail where she is are torturing her.) With my mom being away my life has been turned upside down again. I have so many more responsibilities. It is wayy more work to keep up a house and pay bills and live on your own, basically, then I would have imagined. Plus, this is adding more stress to Karly's & my relationship. I just feel like I want to keep the house how my mom would have it -- clean as a pin -- but I live with a sister who can't even pick up her clothes in the bathroom or put her dishes in the dish washer. It just stresses me out, because more than anything I want to clean it up,but my counselor said it isn't good for me to do that, because I am just disabling her from living on her own in the future. It makes sense, and I haven't been cleaning up after her, but the messes drive me bonkers.

My mother has opened her eyes through this experience though, and that, makes it somewhat worth it. She has realized she has made mistakes, especially when it comes to our relationship. She may not love my little sister more, but she has acted like it. She has never told me she was proud of me, yet uses me as bragging rights to her friends about how smart & talented I am, and what my future plans are. I told her this was how I felt numerous times, and now she gets it. She has sent letters of apology, and she doesn't need to apologize. What is done, is done. It is in the past. She just has to look to the future and try to change how she acts and communicates. & she is opening her eyes to this. Which is all I could ask for.

She also go arrested in Michigan by the KIND team (drug team.) For selling marijuana. We aren't sure what she will end up getting sentenced to for this, but we are trying to be hopeful. If she goes to prison, I am not sure what I will do. She asked me to postpone moving away for school (since I will have my associates degree after this semester) in order to take care of the house and the dogs. Of course I will, I am just not thrilled about it. I am ready to continue my schooling, to move away, to have new experiences & start my life. My life has already been put on hold because of everything else. Now, I am taking my medication regularly, and I feel much better. I actually FEEL things again. I'm no longer numb. I like it.

I guess while we are on the subject of getting arrested I might as well tell you I got arrested as well. June 28th I believe.. for retail fraud (aka stealing.) Very stupid, I know. I just got sentenced last week. Had to pay $795 for fines/fees. Which I did. I also got sentenced to 12 days on the work van & 6 months of probation (which will only be three if I get on completing work van.) I have already done a day, and it wasn't too bad. Had to rake for like 5 hours, but I'm okay with that. I just want to get it done before it snows, because I do not do well in the cold. & shoveling isn't my 'cup-of-tea' so to speak. I am just thankful this is over, and I really learned my lesson. The best part of this, was representing myself. Judge Ninomya said I was well on my way to being a good lawyer. That felt good.

Well, this was jumbled, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on and I figured I'd start here, laying it all out, and elaborate later.