The holidays were terrible without Tony. On Christmas Eve at my grandma's house it is always the same -- gift opening from youngest to oldest. This means Tony is always right before me. This year it went from Ashley to me... no one even paused to give him some sort of recognition. I mean, I know everyone had him on their minds, you could see it on their faces, but ... I want him there more than just in my mind. His is in my heart, soul and spirit. I feel as if I live with Tony at all times. I just would have liked to have made him a bigger part of the night, even if it made us sad.. It's better than sweeping it under the rug.
I also lost another friend on December 27. My friend from Milwaukee, Patrick Alberts. He was 20. He died of an epileptic seizure in his sleep. His funeral was on January 2nd, & I went to Milwaukee with Danica for that. It was heartbreaking. It just seems like this never ends.. but I am hoping that nothing else bad can happen.. I mean, the tragedies have gotten less intense, but it still hurts.. A LOT! It just brings back all these emotions and all I could see in his casket was Tony.. and I hated that. That picture of him like that is imprinted in my head forever. I mean, I remember the goood times so much more, but at a funeral, it's just Tony, Tony, Tony, which also makes me feel guilty for Pat and his family, because I know how they feel and it is terrible. And I sucks to only have seen the for the first time in forever under these circumstances, like his brother, Jeff. I just wanted to hold him and cry for days.
I also broke my foot 2 weeks ago, tripping over my super nintendo. Wearing that stupid boot in a pain, but at least it's a funny story.
The new semester just started 3 weeks ago. I am super stressed, and am still waiting for my $3,000 loan to go through. I need money! I need a laptop! I am taking all online classes this semester, because I could not miss all the class time for Scott Johnson's trail (which I wouldn't miss for the world.) Our home computer is a s-l-o-w pile of junk, and I need something effiecent to be able to do my schoolwork on.
Ugghhh am I stressed!
Grateful #10:
I am grateful for a new year. New year comes new hope and optimism. I just pray it lasts.
