Little Boy.

great grandma & carsyn


baby feet

first day home & mommy&carsyn

karly & carsyn

me & carsyn

well, here are the pictures of carsyn anthony i promised. isn't he just perfection?

Grateful #7:

I am extremely grateful for Carsyn Anothony. He is such an amazing little bundle of joy, and the family kind of needed him right now. He was like a blessing in disguise, I guess. Whenever I am around him, I can't get the smile off my face. Also, he looks just like Tony when he was a baby, and I am looking forward to seeing him grow up, teaching him things & just being there for him.

Memorial & Headstone.

Tony's headstone was put in place yesterday. Isn't it beautiful? Makes it sink in a little bit more, and I don't like that.... It is going to have to sink in eventually though. I love you, Tony... with every ounce of me.

Grateful #6:

I am grateful for how beautiful Tony's headstone & bench are. They are fit for a King, which is good enough for Tone. I am glad he can be remembered in such a perfect way.. with his beautiful smile, the forest behind him, his quote & his favorite thing, his car.

love is watching someone die.

the title of this blog is from a song by death cab for cutie called "what Sarah said." i listen to this song a lot and have before any of these things happened (just more-so since.) i think about that "love is watching someone die."

the night of July 31, we were all looking frantically for tony. uncle David, Tiffany, Matt, Ashley, bobby & i all went to the bridge since we knew he had been there. the police assured us that tony was okay and filing a police report. then came checking all the police stations, and no sign of tony. then came waiting at the hospital. people had already known about tony being dead before we did.. even though we didn't really want to believe what anyone else had to say to us, because we had talked to the police.

around 11 or so, a hospital employee came and told us the news -- then there was pandemonium. running around, crying.. i personally collapsed to the ground. then we were waiting, hoping they'd at least bring his body back. around 2 am or so, they told us he was staying in the woods until the shooter was caught (which ended up being 16 hours.)

when i heard this news, i was in the car with a blanket, wanting to go and lay by tony in the woods, even if i knew he was already dead. i didn't want tony to have to sit out there... alone... cold... bleeding. if i wouldn't have been stopped by police, i definitely would have. it kills me that i didn't get to be with him -- even if it shouldn't. i know i probably wouldn't have wanted to see him like that -- with a hole in the face -- but i did NOT want him to be alone.

i hate to feel alone.
i know he wasn't scared and it was painless and instant death, but he still was alone. his soul knew he was alone. my poor tony.

i love you, tony.

grateful #5
i am grateful for the beautiful town of Houghton. it is my home away from home. i am happy here. everything here doesn't remind me of what i have lost. it reminds me of a new beginning

not the plan.

It isn't right that Tony isn't here. That was not the plan. We were all supposed to grow old together -- the four musketeers (Tony, Ashley, Karly, Me.) We can't do that anymore. I just don't get it.. This is not what is supposed to be happening.

I miss Tony.

I love Tony.

I need Tony.

.....what am I supposed to do?

Grateful #4

I am extremely grateful I voted yesterday in the 2008 elections, and my candidate, Barack Obama, came out victoriously. I believe he will make at least some of the changes America needs. I also am grateful the Proposal 1 in Michigan, Medicinal Marijuana, won with over 60% of the votes. I helped to pass around petitions for that my senior year in high school, so I am glad that it all paid off for the best. Yay for democracy! Yay for change! Yay for some sort of hope instilled in my state & this country.