the united states of leland.

"And that's when I figured out that tears couldn't make somebody who was dead alive again. There's another thing to learn about tears, they can't make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste crying and praying to God. If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have somebody to blame for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are always playing this game of tug-of-war game with them. And they never know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tug-of-war idea explains how sometimes, even when people try to do something good, it still turns out bad ........ The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place ....... Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."

I just watched The United States of Leland for the second time (the first time since Tony died.) This is a movie about a kid who kills a mentally challenged individual, and doesn't really know why. A lot of the quotes I put really hit home. Nothing I can do will ever change anything. I suppose I have known this all along, it just doesn't mean that I necessarily want to believe what is "true" or "realistic" anymore.

I just can't get Tony out of my head... ever. It is just getting worse. I believe I am getting closer to the depression stage of grief. I mean, I have denied and tried to pretend this didn't happen for so long. Yeah, I have days that are up and down, but there is never a day that I don't think about Tony, that I don't feel it. I was so sad before, and I didn't think it could get worse. Other things have happened, which have been extremely devastating, but none of them have compared to the loss of Tony, my best friend.

My nightmares have been getting worse lately. I had a dream that I went back in time last night, to the day of his death.

At the start of the dream, some woman gave me a doll that said it would change my life. I went to bed, and woke up in a cabin with Sully, Tiff, Karly and my mother. Other things were different, as well. Sully's name was Sam, for example. Then, I got a phone call from my Auntie Terri, people were then looking for Tony, and he called me. He told me that he was at some one's house, and was going to go swimming. I asked him what day it was and he told me, "Katie, are you kidding? It's July 31, the day after your birthday." I then felt like I had known that and he told me he loved me and I told him the same, and we got off the phone. I then realized what the day was, and frantically was trying to call him back, but it was too late. It was too late for me to save him, for me to do anything.

I then was woken up by Sully. He said I had been talking in my sleep, and he could tell I was having a nightmare. I realized I had tears in my eyes. It seemed like even though things changed in my dreams, I still couldn't save him. I still could not do anything about it, and I felt helpless.. hopeless, even. I just do not even know how to handle this most of the time. I just need someone. I need something to help me. Someone to hold me, and tell me that "everything is going to be o.k." ... Most of the time.. I just don't know how things are supposed to be okay. It is just so hard to cope with. How to you cope with such a violent, unjustified loss in my life. I just.... I just don't know.

I feel so lost and incomplete.

Grateful #11:
I would just like to say that I am grateful for Chris, "Sully," my boyfriend. That may sound "cheesy" or clique, but he really has helped a lot. Also, in the movie, Leland says there are two ways you can see life: "You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." I usually see the sadness, and have my whole life (while still being happy.) Now, on the other hand, he really helps for me to "keep it out" in a sense. Most of the time when I am with him, although I don't "forget" about Tony, or my sadness, I can think about other things, I can look forward, look forward to the good that will eventually come. I can be genuinely happy, genuinely smile. He just lifts the dark clouds from my life, and shows me that there is hope... that there are things to look forward to... that it will get better.